As I write this, February is on the horizon and if statistics tell us anything, many of us are thinking about big gestures for Valentine’s Day.
Better Homes and Gardens reports that “according to the National Retail Foundation, Americans spent nearly $26 billion on Valentine's Day gifts in 2023. People are also expected to spend an average of approximately $193 for Valentine's Day.” Another study estimated that 80% of the population in the US will participate in the Valentine’s Day spending. So given these statistics, I imagine if we took a poll, almost 100% of us would say we expect our spouse or special someone to remember us on Valentines Day (and we might also envision a doghouse waiting for us if we did not fulfill said expectation!)!
A grand gesture is one good way to show you are thinking about your loved one and admittedly, I was tempted to throw down a challenge to see who could be most creative in their Valentine gesture. I resisted this urge after reading a book by Gary and Erin Smalley called "Reconnected". This book focuses on how to build and sustain a marriage where you and your spouse experience the blessing of living as soul mates, not simply roommates. They discuss how easy it is to fall into a roommate situation, where you exchange cordial pleasantries and even share household, family and financial responsibilities, but you are not deeply connecting on spiritual, emotional and physical levels. They discuss how to avoid or reverse this tendency to grow in deep connection. And while they do affirm grand gestures as one good way to connect, they recognize that they cannot sustain a relationship simply because the practice is not sustainable.
They do offer an alternative that they adopted from John Gottman called a "bid for connection" or simply put, little love deposits. These are simply stopping to connect over little things that interest our spouse. Gary Smalley uses the example of seeing a car he likes and commenting to his wife Erin about it. By commenting to her, he is making a bid for connection or for a love deposit. She can respond or give him a deposit by recognizing his interest in the car, even if she does not have the same interest. These bids happen all the time, throughout the day. You might get a text that simply says, “thinking of you” or “hope your day is going well”. You can respond back with a thank you, love emoji or other words of affirmation. And if making and responding to bids for connection become part of the regular rhythm of your day, they add up to huge deposits in your relationship bank that fill you and connect you deeply.
So while you are planning your grand gesture to celebrate Valentine’s Day, do not overlook the opportunities to make and respond to small bids for connection!
A grand gesture is one good way to show you are thinking about your loved one and admittedly, I was tempted to throw down a challenge to see who could be most creative in their Valentine gesture. I resisted this urge after reading a book by Gary and Erin Smalley called "Reconnected". This book focuses on how to build and sustain a marriage where you and your spouse experience the blessing of living as soul mates, not simply roommates. They discuss how easy it is to fall into a roommate situation, where you exchange cordial pleasantries and even share household, family and financial responsibilities, but you are not deeply connecting on spiritual, emotional and physical levels. They discuss how to avoid or reverse this tendency to grow in deep connection. And while they do affirm grand gestures as one good way to connect, they recognize that they cannot sustain a relationship simply because the practice is not sustainable.
They do offer an alternative that they adopted from John Gottman called a "bid for connection" or simply put, little love deposits. These are simply stopping to connect over little things that interest our spouse. Gary Smalley uses the example of seeing a car he likes and commenting to his wife Erin about it. By commenting to her, he is making a bid for connection or for a love deposit. She can respond or give him a deposit by recognizing his interest in the car, even if she does not have the same interest. These bids happen all the time, throughout the day. You might get a text that simply says, “thinking of you” or “hope your day is going well”. You can respond back with a thank you, love emoji or other words of affirmation. And if making and responding to bids for connection become part of the regular rhythm of your day, they add up to huge deposits in your relationship bank that fill you and connect you deeply.
So while you are planning your grand gesture to celebrate Valentine’s Day, do not overlook the opportunities to make and respond to small bids for connection!